Every year, the radio switches over to non-stop Christmas songs that have been bastardized beyond belief with today’s current “artists” as well as The Hallmark Channel’s jello medley of holiday barf with movies like “A Boyfriend For Christmas” and “Naughty or Nice.” Just reading these titles makes you think they’re “adult-oriented entertainment”.
If you’re looking to shake things up at the Christmas Party this year or to run off the in-laws who have overstayed their welcome watching Hallmark Horrors or listening to a Nicki Minaj’s wanna-be Xmas album, here’s a list of our favorite slashics to bring you some yule-tide terror-cheer.
Silent Night Deadly Night
This trailer caused a nationwide panic and outrage when it first aired. The movie was shunned, which made it soar to instant cult-status. We have to give old Saint Nick some cred here… Without these trailblazers, Krampus probably would have never been made.
Silent Night Deadly Night 2
Christmas Day is also known as “Garbage Day.” This cult-classic sequel has nothing to do with Christmas except for the title. Instead, the movie is an interrogation with flashbacks of the first film. Enduring that to get the big Garbage Day payoff is well worth the slay. I’ve never laughed so hard while watching this during a Christmas Horror Remix show in Austin. Bring back Horror Remix!!!
This one probably has the biggest WTF scene ever… Christmas Evil will make you believe that this holly jolly slasher is the REAL Santa. This one is the definitely best of the “Santa gone mad” romps.
This often overlooked movie was the original slasher film before Halloween and Friday the 13th. It’s packed with anonymous phone calls, disappearing sorority girls and Margot Kidder before taking residency at a certain house in Amityville.
Don’t Open Till Christmas
The producers of the movie “Pieces” begat this holiday horror flick where the cards are flipped as a slasher is targeting Santa to change the holiday forever (as a form of terrorism). Set in London, an inspector is tasked with tracking down the psycho. As the movie’s tagline says… “the gift of terror that just won’t wait.”
Not THAT Jack Frost with Michael Keaton. This Jack Frost is a killer snowman come to life to exact frosty revenge with bad one-liners and puns. SNOW WAY! This movie is best of the bunch for a movie night involving drinks. It’s the only one of the list that never takes itself seriously. And don’t you cry ’cause he comes back in the sequel, Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Killer Mutant Snowman. Rolls right off the tongue.
The Star Wars Holiday Special
Why is this on this list, you may ask? Because it is indeed a horror film that only the Empire would show the Rebels to torture them for information. The one saving grace is that it gave us Boba Fett. Thank you George Lucas for Boba Fett — not Jefferson Starship performing for Imperial workers.
I originally saw this when it aired and don’t remember being impressed that much since I only cared to see the droids I was enamored with them at age 5. But as I grew older and searched for this Lucas-banned special – wow, was it intergalactically bad. The only thing that could have saved this is if the dark lord of the Sith, Vader himself, showed up to battle and defeat an incognito Jedi Knight, Bea Arthur.
OH, THE HUMANITY!
– Nerd Herder